
For some reason I'm feeling better today. Less tired, less looking towards the past and more appreciating what I have now. Maybe it is because I realise could, would and should are just thoughts that bring you down not raise you up. Or to explain them could have, would have and should have.
The first two could have and would have have plagued me as long as I can remember. Maybe that is because I just think too much, worry too much. I don't mean the good thinking, the intelligent kind of thinking. I'm talking about the bad thinking. Going over a situation or what has been said a thousand times to see if there is anything different I could have done or would have done if I just knew what I know then now. That is not good. It stops you just relaxing and being yourself because you never think yourself is good enough. That is both for everyone else and yourself.
To tell the truth the first part of that, being good enough for someone else, shouldn't be the most important thing in your life. In my life. That is because you can never be good enough for everyone. It is simply an impossibility. Everybody is different and in trying to please everyone you ultimately please no-one. Least of all yourself. And that is what i need to do more. I need to realise that what I am is me. That I do my best in what I can do and that the person who I look in the mirror and see is someone I actually like. Not someone who doesn't have to live in this body may like but me. That is hard. But not as hard as it was.
The last thing, should have, is something which used to tear me up at one time in my life. By should have I mean thinking what I should have got from life rather than what I do have. I should have a a father who loved me, I should have a better job, I should have more recognition. Fortunately I realised earlier than with the other two that obsessing over what I should have was far too negative and unhealthy. That way lies bitterness and a type of person I just don't want to be. Rather than complain about what I should have I'm finding it so much better to appreciate what I do have. To be positive instead of negative.
For example today I was colouring in with my daughter (and yes I was enjoying it) when she suddenly stopped looked up at me and just stroked my hand as if to comfort me. Then kissed it and said 'Love you, Daddy' Just three little words and a kiss from her and I felt so good. o happy at what I had. Just thinking through the good things I do have in my life made me realise what else I have to be grateful for. I could have then looked at the bad things. Rgere was a me not so long ago that would have done that. Looked for the worst to bring myself down. Not today.
It took a long time but I think 'm beginning to learn.
Jack is feeling
